When I was a child, Friday nights were reserved for watching Monk. Although I thought Monk was eccentric and a little bit different, I could identify to a certain extent. Everyone has his or her odd quirks. Monk just happened to have a lot more. However, one character I could not grasp was Monk’s agoraphobic brother, Ambrose. How could someone be afraid to go outside? To an eight-year-old, this was unfathomable. So many beautiful things occur outside! But now that I’m older, I wonder if Ambrose was afraid of the outside or if he was more afraid of losing composure around others.
I’ve always been slightly high-strung, so anxiety has always been a prevalent part of life. Previously, however, it had been small—little butterflies before a test or not being able to sleep the night before a big day. However, that all changed last year. My anxiety sky-rocketed. Rather than little butterflies or sleepless nights, full panic attacks were beginning to occur. I began waking up to them. It was almost like having a nightmare without the escape of waking up. All I could do was try to calm myself down before I started my day, and at times, this would take hours. It just didn’t end there. I was having panic attacks during the day, and the tiniest things would set them off. I was carrying groceries one day and dropped a jar of salsa. As the glass shattered on the pavement, so did my composure. I understood why someone like Ambrose would be afraid to go outside. For me, it was the fear of losing control of myself in a public setting. It became a cycle. I was starting to panic about having panic attacks.
There was not a moment that this cycle was more prevalent than when I prepared for midterms. At first, studying would be fine. Thirty minutes in, however, my chest would begin to tighten. A normal feeling of “Wow, I should have paid better attention in class” turned into “I can’t do this”. It was a warning sign that panic could ensue at any moment. To counteract these moments, I have to focus on something that I enjoy, something that calms me down. In most cases, I would go running or binge watch Gilmore Girls. I can say I successfully made it through the exams without panic attacks, but my test scores reflected my lack of preparedness.
Despite difficulty I found in studying, I have learned to take pleasure in the minor triumphs. Making it through a two-hour exam with no shortness of breath or tears was major for me at the time. It was something that deserved ice cream as a reward—and pair of new shoes. I once again found joy in being in control. The control was fleeting, but knowing that I could keep my composure in a high stress environment has given me the confidence to stand my ground.
I am still not at the point where I am embracing life head on, and I am not doing this alone. I’ve relied heavily on friendships and even on antidepressants. I have worked on focusing my extra energy into running and racquetball and have cut caffeine almost completely out of my diet. I do not want to be afraid of what the world has to offer or even what I have to offer the world. The way I see it, every morning is another battle, and every day completed is another accomplishment.
-OU Student
Open Heart, Open Mind 