Anxious

Anxious: a word all too common to the average person. Everyone has felt anxious, but have people really felt anxious? This word took on a different meaning to me after I learned I was dealing with anxiety. This can be as innocuous as reading my emails ten times before I send them because I was convinced I misspelled something wrong or left something out. Or as severe as having a panic attack because I had no idea, at the exact moment, about how I would accomplish anything on my plate. I sit in the middle with having to know exactly what my future plans are.

Anxiety, for me particularly, was the fear of messing up. It was always fearing letting everyone down. And I felt like if I wasn’t hanging out with everyone and doing well in school while working 15-20 hours a week, I was failing. Obviously doing all three of these things isn’t necessarily impossible, but trying to do everything well at the same time isn’t ideal or even healthy. When I did mess up, which as one can guess was often, I would take it so personally. I took beating myself up (metaphorically) to a new level. I near bullied myself and thought I could berate myself into being productive. I became obsessed with being consistent, but I set myself up to never be consistent.

Like any college student, I just thought I was getting stressed out. And I was stressed out, often. That comes with trying to get a degree. But it became different. It turned into situations where any little failure felt like my life was going to fall into shambles. This leaked into all areas of my life. Whenever I felt like I failed with a potential romance or being a good friend, I would think for hours about everything I could do different. Any time I messed up or fell short at work, I would take it too personally. There were extremely rough times, particularly prior to when I went public about my struggles. Finals weeks were a nightmare. Not because I didn’t prepare, but I tricked myself into feeling unprepared. In any case, anxiety is something I’ve now learned to manage. I think I do it well, but it’s all still a continuing journey.

My journey continues by finding my own identity. That is, my identity in the present and not the future. I use writing, specifically poetry, to express myself in public and private. I try to at least observe and enjoy things just for the fun of it. I read for pleasure now. Being proud of reading for pleasure sounds silly, but when you get so used to reading to gather information, it’s a refreshing feeling to read for pleasure. I try to run, and watch Netflix. These are all way I enjoy the present and times where I don’t have to stress about future plans. Overall, I try not to stress too much about the future. I still have daily habits that will benefit me later on, and I still keep a clear path in mind, but I am more relaxed.

Anxiety is more common than you think. Our society is oddly secretive when it comes to dealing with mental illness and its associated challenges. The idea of people struggling with these challenges is a highly stigmatized idea. When I went public with my anxiety, I was floored with how many people came forward and told me about their daily struggles and what they were going through. It’s incredible that it took people feeling like I was in a grave condition to open up. And I’ve never felt more loved and hopeful in my life before or since. Sadly, that’s the norm. It doesn’t make good dinner conversation to talk about what we all deal with, but it sure as hell can make a difference.

If there are others struggling with anxiety out there—and I know there are – they should be honest with themselves about their struggles. That’s easier said than done, especially with a condition that typically forces one to overanalyze everything and makes one belittle themselves. At the very least, I would suggest taking time to celebrate. Each and every one of us is unique and doing awesome things. That sounds like a line out of a kids’ movie, but it’s true and needed reminder.